we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
