you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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