So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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