My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
