The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
