So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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