I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
