I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
