Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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