PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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