if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
