happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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