DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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