Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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