Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
