She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So much rum. So many feels.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My feet surprised me
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