I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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