The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
