Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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