just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
