Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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