Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
