Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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