Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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