watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
