i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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