i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
