At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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