My room smells like vodka and shame
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
