What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dicks are not precious.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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