I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
