Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
