my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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