Don't you send me to vm
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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