Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My cat gives me a boner
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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