our cab driver is having phone sex.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
