im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
