He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
