im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
