Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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