I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
