At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
