If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
