I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
