if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
