i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
