It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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