I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
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you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
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Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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