Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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