Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
