yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
