There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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