I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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