Your tits are I can't wait for
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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