come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I deserve this hangover.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
