When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
porn star boner night. come get it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
